Saturday, May 27, 2006

Latest Developments

Well, I received a 'Thanks but no thanks' letter from Nelson Publishers. *Big Sigh* But I am not defeated. I have decided to trust God (a daily thing for me) and I am signing up for the Greater Philadelphia Christian Writer's Conference in August. Please pray that God will help us get the monetary means to do this venture.

As I am thinking of the prospect of a huge conference, I have reread the beginning of my book and I realized that it needed something...humor. I have humor throughout the novel but the first part of chapter one was lacking. So, if you would be so kind...I am going to paste that rewrite here. Please tell me honestly what you think. If you hate it, how would you improve it? If you like it, why? Also let me know if you see any stupid mistakes. I'm known for my lack of punctuation and spelling skills. Okay, here it is...just what I rewrote. Hope it isn't too long.

Off and Running

Maybe it was the smell of decaying seaweed and salt water mixed with coconut oil. Perhaps it was due to the hot Californian sun melting her brains. Quite possibly it was the yellow jacket that decided to take a bath in her newly opened can of Diet Vanilla Coke. She wasn’t sure. Whatever the reason, Mimi suddenly found herself behind three boy band wannabes who were sitting in the sand sweet talking her three swimsuit teen-model cloned sisters.

She didn’t remember filling the pail full of icy Pacific Ocean water and she further amazed herself as she began pouring said water over the cutest and tannest of the boys. The only option open to her was giddy laughter followed closely by the fight or flight principal. Since she knew she couldn’t outrun them all and there was no way she could fight off all six, she decided to go for the Bratty Younger Sister Ploy Number One. Lie. Lie like your life depends on it, which it certainly did.

Mimi actually smirked as she said, "You don’t want to talk with these girls! They have boyfriends who are much stronger, cuter and probably even smarter than you. Aaaannnd they are walking this way right now to beat you up!"

The boys did that silent, "Let’s get outta here!" look and they ran off as quick as they could whip their streaky-bleached-blonde heads into motion.
It was then that everything seemed to take on a high speed motion, like watching those old black and white movies of people who, hoping to fly in strange contraptions, only come crashing down with the wings folding in and the craft falling apart from underneath.

The youngest of Mimi’s three older sisters, Chelsea, blew up. She gathered a handful of the newly wetted sand beside her and threw it into Mimi’s adrenaline induced freakishly delighted face.

Of course the sand hit her square in her open mouth. Chelsea had way too perfect aim. Mimi stood in shock with her mouth wide open and full of sand. No longer laughing, she fought back stupid tears as she watched Chelsea wipe her hands with the beach towel she sat on, sending the remaining granules of sand back to the ground.

Sneering at Mimi, she taunted, "Oh ‘WAA WAA’, you stupid cry baby! Go tell mommy! Maybe she’ll feel sorry for her ugly, fat baby. Why don’t you grow up? You’d think you were five instead of almost a teenager! We don’t want you near us!" Seeing that Mimi still stood dumbfounded she continued, "Can’t you understand English? You are so dumb! Look at her mouth open—oh wait, here she goes…come on, baby, cry!"

Mimi came to life, spitting out most of the sand as a seagull screeched overhead. A lone sand particle grated between her teeth. Fighting back tears, she coughed and spat again.

Her other two sisters were no help. They were obviously angry also and intentionally avoided Mimi’s pleading eyes. Angie applied a new layer of oil to her legs and Jes pretended to be absorbed with a piece of sand under her fingernail. Their silence screamed their agreement with Chelsea.

Usually, blubbering to Mom was exactly what Mimi would have done. After all, that was Bratty Younger Sister Ploy Number Two but she loathed the fact that Chelsea knew this. You don’t need them! A voice hissed in her ear. Escape! Run away! it urgently beckoned. Bratty Younger Sister Ploy Number Three lovingly known as the ‘Beat Cheeks Stratagem’ now set in. Kicking as much sand on Chelsea as she could, Mimi turned and dashed off down the beach.

With scorching sand burning her feet and bitterness eating at her heart, Mimi pumped her legs as fast as they would go. Her pounding feet beat out a tempo. Run-a-way. Run-a-way. Run-a-way. Anger and malice pulsed through her veins, quickening her step
.
"I hate you! I hate all of you!" she screamed, not caring who heard or stared at her as she ran past. Tears flooded her eyes and streaked down her face while she fled down the beach, farther and farther away from her family.

Mimi despised being the baby, the youngest of four girls…the bratty sister. She felt that she never quite measured up.

15 comments:

The Curmudgeon's Rant said...

Sorry to hear about the bad news from T. N.

But, it’s a great book and I loved it. You WILL find a publisher for it.

I’m glad to have you back. I needed my Pixie fix.

The Curmudgeon's Rant said...

Oh, and the rewrite looks good...

But so did the original.

Christopher said...

keep at it. rejection stinks; but keep reworking it. good holiday to you.

Jezreel said...

Wow! You had me hooked! I could very much sympathize with Mimi (being the baby, and all). So, is this the rewrite? I think it's great - though I haven't seen the original, so I can't compare it.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I always love having commenters ;)

Ballpoint Wren said...

I love that first paragraph, Mimi!

When I was doing submissions, my goal was 100 rejections. I put them all in a folder called "They'll Be Sorry!"

I never got up to 100, though.

Ciera said...

Looks good to me.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

I like the changes. That's better. Nelson just wasn't in God's timeing.

We wait!....and we're going to have a ball in Phila!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Excellent writing, Mimi!

Fred said...

Frame that letter. When you hit it big time, take the letter out of the frame and send it back with your published work.

Have a great weekend!

Nick Zegarac said...

Don't lose faith on the publishers. They wouldn't know a good book if it reached up and spanked them on their best seller. Here's a little something to consider. Chuck Ross submitted the script to Casablanca verbatim to 280 agencies. They all turned it down. Three actually said it wouldn't make a good movie. Oh well, there's no accounting for taste - especially if you have none. A lot of editors don't, you know!

M. C. Pearson said...

Curm~ Thanks, bud. Pray for me and the conference!

Christopher~ Yes, I have lots of rejections. I like Bonnie Wren and Fred's ideas. Yeah, they'll be sorry! Mmmwhahahaha!

Jez~ Thanks! The original is on my FAIRIES blog if you are interested. I'm going to replace it soon with this one though. It is the full chapter over there too.

Bonnie Wren~ You and Fred have GREAT ideas! So, did you get published then? I love the way you write your blog. You have so much talent for comedy!

Ciera~ Thanks sweetie.

Bonnie~ YEA! Phili here we come!

Jean-Luc~ Thanks bud! I love your log too!

Fred~ Awesome idea!

Nick~ Thanks, my wonderful poetic friend. Makes me feel much better. :)

Jaime H. said...

I'm sorry about Nelson, Mimi!!

I really do like your work!!

M. C. Pearson said...

Thanks Jaimie, you are such a pal!

cube said...

You heard this before, but it bears repeating. You are a talented writer. Keep writing. Never give up.

M. C. Pearson said...

Thank you Cube!